Story of the time I passed a girl a note and had my heart obliterated! Followed by my guest's, Jarmel Calvin, path from insensitive "player," to emotionally mature gentleman and entrepreneur. You won't want to miss this!
Episode begins @02:50
Follow Jarmel Calvin and his business "Right on Time" Catering LLC, on Instagram @Rightontime.ga
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Nicholas (00:01):
All right guys, this is episode two. So, we made it through episode one of Finding Nicholas. And today I'm
here with another good friend, Mr. Jarmel Calvin.
Jarmel Calvin (00:11): What's up, what's up.
Nicholas (00:11):
And he's - this guy, when I tell you he can cook! Okay, he has a catering business called Right On Time. I'm going to let him talk about that right quick because I think today we're going to talk about relationships, but I do want to give them a chance right quick, to just mention his business and how that's going and what he's doing. And you can, you can take it away.
Jarmel Calvin (00:35):
I appreciate that, Nick. Certainly, like you said, I'm the owner of Right On Time catering company, and I really enjoy cooking - you know, been in cooking since I was around 14 years old. It's always been a passion of mine since then, and I just really enjoy the opportunity to create - just use food as a way to express places that I visited, things that I've enjoyed and want to share with others; and like I said, really enjoy cooking. Go follow me @rightontime.ga. I'm on IG, you know, and you will be able to see a plethora of dishes that are cooked. Also, you'll be able to find some recipes on my page, and just see me experiencing food with different friends, people that I've met along the way, family members and things like that. So, go check it out. Follow! Yeah, we got a lot of exciting things coming
Nicholas (01:32):
And trust me, folks, you will not be disappointed because, I've had his food before, on many occasions. I
still think back to the seafood boil we did; and even some stir fry.
Jarmel Calvin (01:43): Yeah, I forgot about that.
Nicholas (01:45):
Yeah, I think, I think you're - Right? I think stir fry was maybe the first one. And it's funny because back in college, I think he was on the Bertolli wagon, you know, getting it straight out the bag, and we didn't know he really had the, the juice like this. So, yeah, definitely check him out.
Nicholas (02:03):
And you know, we're going to go ahead and get into it. So again, this podcast is all around...it's surrounded by this idea of mindfulness, and growth, and self-improvement; and we just want to tell stories about how we've grown, and hopefully you can find something that you connect with, something that resonates.
Nicholas (02:23):
So, Jarmel really kind of guided this one, you know, in terms of like stories. He decided he wanted to go in the direction of relationships and, yeah, that's something I also really enjoy talking about. And so, as he knows, he knows well I can't - I can't shut up about it. You should just see his face right now. You
can't - you can't see it though. But yeah, so, I remember when I was back in...it had to be around like seventh grade, and I was not popular in school at all.
Jarmel Calvin (03:01): Okay.
Nicholas (03:01):
...which some people, now, that surprises them; but I really - I really was not popular.
Jarmel Calvin (03:08):
It surprises me. I mean, you know - got away with words. Not too bad looking.
Nicholas (03:15):
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Y.
Jarmel Calvin (03:16):
You know, yeah. I find that real hard to believe, you know.
Nicholas (03:21):
I was - I was definitely, like, majorly struggling. And so I think people were still passing notes back then...Kinda? Or maybe I just was like, late to that, because I started school really early - about a year, year and a half [earlier].
Nicholas (03:37):
So, I was always like a year or two younger than everybody. So when people told jokes, like, I got the joke last. You know, after everybody already laughed, I would laugh and then I would look kind of, like, out of place; or people would say things or have these experiences, and I just hadn't, I guess, matured mentally - or even physically - you know, to be there with them on that, right? And so here's this girl, she's really, really cute. I'm not gonna share her name here, but, I remember sitting two or three desks behind her and I'd had this crush on her for awhile. And so, I wrote a note...and I did, you know, the check "yes" or "no," you know - and that's probably a little juvenile, to be in the seventh grade, right? I mean, we're not gonna talk about that - but we're talking about it - and I wrote, like, "Oh, I've been feeling you," and all this other stuff...
Nicholas (04:27):
"I really like you." Check yes or no if you want to go out sometime. Typical. Standard, right?
Jarmel Calvin (04:34): I follow you.
Nicholas (04:34):
And I folded this note - and I was feeling myself. I was like, okay, okay...
Jarmel Calvin (04:39):
Confident.
Nicholas (04:39):
And I slid it forward, and the person in front of me took the note, And I told him - I kind of motioned to him like, "Oh this person," you know, "pass it down." And they took it, and they passed it down; and then the other person passed it down and it got to her, right? And then she kind of like, holds the piece of paper in her hand - and I'm trying not to look at her, but I'm looking at her - and she kind of looks over her shoulder, to see, oh, it's from me. And then she kind of has like this smile, and I was like, oh, okay "We in there. We are really - we're in here right now."
Nicholas (05:08):
So, after a couple of minutes goes by and I see her, like, writing, and it's not a simple check motion. So I said, "Oh, she's writing something." Like she's - she's gonna tell me something I want to hear. She takes it and folds it back up. She looks back and passes it back. And she's still smiling. I'm like, "Oh my God!" Like, "this is my day." And then you gotta know what this was like for me because I was not popular. Right? It took a lot of guts for me to summon that courage. And so it got back to me and I'm just thinking - I'm...I'm in my head like, "Aw man. Oh man." And I opened it and looked slowly. And then I see it, and I'm reading, and then like - I'm sure everybody else could see it, like, my facial expression change, because this is what she put...this is what she wrote, right? So it [the note] was like, "I'm really liking you," or whatever..."you want to go out?" And I was like [reading the note], check yes, check no; [and] she had added another box! And so the third box had, out to the side, it said, "Hell no."
Jarmel Calvin (06:09): Oh wow.
Nicholas (06:11):
And when I tell you like, like it hurt...
Jarmel Calvin (06:17):
Oh wow. Bro, that's a new one. I've never heard - I've never heard a story where a female did that.
Nicholas (06:23):
My childhood was traumatic in that department, to say the least. But it kind of - I was demoralized. I was like...devastated because...like I said, you know, I think for - for young men and young boys - it takes a lot...because you're already, like...the
on you to go out and
and ask them out; and you feel like you have to have the lines, and the and the And I mean...do you understand what I'm saying?
Jarmel Calvin (06:57): Totally understand!
Nicholas (06:57):
Like, have you ever been there on that?
Jarmel Calvin (06:57):
Yeah, most definitely.
Nicholas (07:02):
And so, that was my issue, right? And again, this whole point of this is to kind of say, like, how I grew out of that and got wiser, and everything else. But I kind of went mental; like, let's be real, because I started reading books. Like, I started - like the internet was young back in those days. You had the dial up.
Jarmel Calvin (07:23):
The AOL...kind of slow lag,
Nicholas (07:26):
But I remember going to like these different websites and reading these, like - downloading books - and trying to read them on the computer...like on this big PC...you know, this huge thing. And I was looking up [topics] like seduction...and attraction...and influence. And to be, maybe, at that time I was like, maybe 11 or 12 - you know, because I was so young. Yeah, like 11 [years old], really. I just wanted to know how to be more successful with women. And it kind of built this complex where, I felt like my worth was attached to them [girls] liking me; so that if I was ever rejected, it wasn't so much like, "Oh, he's just not my type," it's like they don't like me...like, the person. But I couldn't...I was too young to kind of, like, separate that.
Jarmel Calvin (08:16): Exactly.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
So, I just took everything like super hard - super personally. But as I started reading these books, I think one of the main things I want to impress upon you guys is that, I got that knowledge...like, the information, right? Knowledge is knowing, right, but wisdom is doing.
Jarmel Calvin (08:30): True.
Nicholas (08:31):
And so I got the information, and then the scariest part was that I had to go practice it. Now they're like, "Oh, you should do this with women now," "you should talk like this, " "you should say these things as an opener." You know, "you should not be too clingy." "You should..."
Nicholas (08:42):
And I was, "Aww man." And the scary part is like, "Oh man, I have to - I have to go do this now."
Jarmel Calvin (08:46): Put it into practice.
Nicholas (08:46):
And how do I approach them? And it's one thing to take it like it's theory, you know...
Jarmel Calvin (08:51): And put it into practice.
Nicholas (08:53):
Right! And I just had to do that over and over and over and over...till I built up kind of a thick skin, to where - and to realize also that, if they didn't like me, it wasn't that they don't like me, like, me; it just was...there could be a lot of reasons. And as I grew up, there were a lot of reasons: sometimes it's just because I was black, sometimes I was too short, or not attractive to them, or not smart enough, or whatever the reason might have been. But I had to learn to separate myself and my worth from the expectations of others. And I think that only comes through like life experience, like just living...
Jarmel Calvin (09:32): Certainly.
Nicholas (09:32):
And having mentors and coaching and just have a lot of grace for yourself. Right? Like, realize you're going to fail, and things aren't gonna go your way. But you can't be afraid to dream and to go after those with a kind of boldness.
Jarmel Calvin (09:47): Exactly.
Nicholas (09:48):
And so, yeah, I don't know; that's kinda, like, my story to share there. I'm sure there's a lot of people [like this] out there. You know, if you guys would love to comment on just how you've had something similar happen for you, I'd be happy - and I'd love to engage with you guys on that.
Nicholas (10:04):
But Mr. Calvin, you, in relationships. I'm interested in hearing your story. So, take it away.
Jarmel Calvin (10:14):
Sure. So what I want to talk about is how I got to the point of just, really learning to value a
and hold on to it; and learning that things have to be 'give and take,' in order for them to be successful. So,, my story starts off in grade school as well. I was in high school and I was dating this female, and I'll never forget, one day after school, me and my friend we were just hanging out - just happened to be walking the hallways. And you know, I would keep my things, store my things,in my girl's locker from time-to-time. And just out of the blue, one day, I happened to go to her locker. I opened up the locker. It was unlocked. And it's funny we're talking about letters because when I opened up her locker, a letter fell out of her locker.
Nicholas (11:13): Hmm.
Jarmel Calvin (11:16):
And it had a writing - a signature on it - that wasn't mine.
Nicholas (11:22): Okay.
Jarmel Calvin (11:24):
No, right, like the suspense is building.
Nicholas (11:26): It's building!
Jarmel Calvin (11:26):
So, my boy is with me - like, he's a jokester. He's going to keep it real, real with you...to this day - like, we're still friends. Solid friend. He's always just going to be very frank. So this day after school, the letter drops out and he instantly snatches the letter when it hits the floor - I don't even get an opportunity. He snatches the letter. He opened up the letter, and he's like, "Damn, dawg, she's cheating on you." I'm like, "What are you talking about?" He's like, "Bro, read this."
Jarmel Calvin (11:59):
So I read the letter and it pretty much spells out how my girl, at the time, was having sex with another
guy.
Nicholas (12:09):
Wow. Wow. What a way to find out, too.
Jarmel Calvin (12:13):
Bro, I was crushed - like completely crushed; and it took like years. I think after seeing that, like - it's no
thinking...it definitely decided how I was going to handle women and my relationships with women.
Nicholas (12:32): What do you mean?
Jarmel Calvin (12:35):
You know, after I found the letter in the locker, I started doing, like, a self assessment of what led up to the dishonesty. Okay. And you know, I began to think, like, it couldn't be the intellect - I was one of the smartest guys in my school; won 'best dressed,' So I knew it wasn't like a thing of, you know, he's not fly, he can't dress...
Nicholas (13:03): No surprise there.
Jarmel Calvin (13:05):
Slick with words, told jokes and everything like that. So I really just couldn't wrap my mind around what was the cause of it. And so I began to like, kind of get like low self-esteem from it...because I never got
confirmation, or never found out what was the cause of it. So I just like threw it all back on myself - like, it has to be something about me. It couldn't be that something was wrong with her; it had to be something was wrong with me. And you know, I found out that that totally wasn't the case. You know, she was just a flawed individual, and things happen - bad things can happen to good people. So after that point, I decided I really didn't want to - I really didn't want to date anymore. You know, I'd just have like female friends - like, it will just be what it will be, you know - not going to get too attached to it. So, around the end of 12th grade, [I] got into a relationship with a female. I went off to college. That's where me and you met: Fort Valley State University.
Nicholas (14:22): Indeed.
Jarmel Calvin (14:24):
And I'm like, [I] think maybe December, I found out again that - I was a freshman, she was a senior - I
found out again, like back home, she was cheating him.
Nicholas (14:43): No way!
Jarmel Calvin (14:43):
So, I told Sam about this and everything. Sam found out. You know, I tell him - he's, like, shocked - Aaron...all of them knew...all the roommates knew. So, you know, that was just like the final straw for me. I was like, I can't trust women. And you know, I was all-in with just - I made up in my mind, I would just be all-in with not caring about women, and just being jaded and getting revenge.
Nicholas (15:15):
So, I don't mean to interrupt, but like, just take me through that process - like, just a quick second, from how you found out and then what were those emotions like? Like immediately, in that space, what were those thoughts? And then ultimately spiraled into this vendetta...
Jarmel Calvin (15:36):
Yeah. So I went back home one weekend and we were having a conversation and everything, and the
guy actually popped up over at her house while I was there.
Nicholas (15:52): Oh? Oh my god!
Jarmel Calvin (15:53):
And I didn't make it confrontational or anything. You know, I guess it was, it's strange, but I really needed to see that just for validation. Like, this isn't someone you need to be with, you know. And I went back to school that weekend, you know, and I just decided, like I said, I'm just going to be out here for me because up until that point I wasn't selfish, you know. I definitely considered the female and how she felt - you know, very thoughtful; and I was just disappointed and pissed off that, that same respect and care obviously wasn't being given. And so it turned into, you know, feeling jaded and just, for some reason, feeling like I had to take it out on females who didn't deserve it.
Nicholas (16:55):
There's a term for that: Displacement. Like, what happens to you - they had nothing to do with it, but
you took that and you carried it on, [and] put it on to them.
Jarmel Calvin (17:04):
Exactly. I know it's totally, like, wrong as hell. I know, I know. I know that's a bad thing to do, but at the time, I was like 19, less mature than I am now; so I that that was the best way to go about it. And, I like that for some years, just you know, having no intentions of having
real with them outside of just up and then them. Nicholas (17:37):
Okay.
Jarmel Calvin (17:38):
And then getting some type of delight or satisfaction out of feeling like I won...because those two situations made me feel like I lost. And it made, you know - to go deeper - not only lost, but it made me feel like I was just in this sunken place. And I felt like the only way for me to climb out of that sunken place of worthlessness was to, like I said, repay the favor on females who didn't deserve it. And I feel like every time I played a female, quote I felt like I gained more self-worth by kind of tearing them down or just playing with their , if that makes sense. That makes sense to you?
Nicholas (18:32):
I don't even wanna admit this on camera, but it, it makes too much sense.
Jarmel Calvin (18:38): Does it hit home?
Nicholas (18:39):
I think a lot of guys have been there in one way or another. I think rejection - it's hard not to take that
personally.
Jarmel Calvin (18:51): Certainly.
Nicholas (18:52):
And it doesn't even have to be in the context of relationships, you know. If you have to make a sale and someone rejects, you know, your proposal or whatever; or you know, you just feel like someone turns you down for some reason and I guess maybe because you prepared for it or because you put a lot of time and energy into it, or a lot of yourself into it, that...
Jarmel Calvin (19:19): Right right.
Nicholas (19:19):
If this person somehow doesn't want it, it's a reflection of you and not the product. Jarmel Calvin (19:26):
Exactly.
Nicholas (19:26):
And I think there's a like - there's a thing, and then there's what that thing does. Jarmel Calvin (19:34):
Mmhmm. Nicholas (19:34):
Right? And just because right now I don't need a mean that a isn't useful. You know what I mean?
Jarmel Calvin (19:43): Wow.
Nicholas (19:43):
And so I was feeling like, "Oh, I'm worthless," "Nobody likes me," "Nobody wants me."
Jarmel Calvin (19:47): Like damaged goods.
Nicholas (19:51):
Right? And she might have just been "I don't need a Or she might've just been saying, "I do want a but not your Right? But as a you're fine. And guys - I think guys that kind of a lot more, or just in a lot more direct and immediate way,
we're to do the and the wooing. And so, you know, as you're kind of this thing you're going to do, as she walks out of the grocery store, or as she's
at school - again, like I said, you put all that and your mind into you just feel like, "Oh, I'm not good enough." "My plan wasn't good But this plan came from this brain, and so this brain
come up with a way to make her like me; then I have a faulty brain, and
I'm faulty, too," ever really this other person. And totally a whole other here, with their own and their own past, and their - in terms of as well.
Jarmel Calvin (20:51): Exactly.
Nicholas (20:53):
But it's hard to consider all those things in the moment - looking through the lens of a moment. For sure.
Nicholas (21:00):
So, how did you - I'm gonna let it breathe here for a second, right? You went into this mode of revenge and you were hurting women emotionally. What does that mean? Were you cheating? Were you unfaithful? Were you gaslighting them...
Jarmel Calvin (21:26):
Yeah, like gaslighting, leading them on; made it appear that I wanted something long-term, when knowing I just wanted the panties. bAnd making them believe that I genuinely cared about them.
Nicholas (21:44):
Saying things they wanted to hear?
Jarmel Calvin (21:46):
Saying things that they to hear, when I knew in reality that was the thing from the truth. And it got to a point I kept practicing this - that it became ingrained in me, that this was the right thing to do.
Nicholas (22:03):
So take me to that, I guess. Because I've also been there where, somehow - and I think a lot of people are guilty of this - where we've made seem like the right thing to do.
Jarmel Calvin (22:15): Yeah, totally.
Nicholas (22:16):
Like stealing. Like, "Oh, I'm stealing from the rich and giving to the poor." And we justify that somehow. Or you know, you've been eating healthy for like a week and then you're like, "Oh, I could take three, four or five days off," and get something, like, whatever.
Jarmel Calvin (22:31): Yeah.
Nicholas (22:31):
And I think there are just ways we could talk ourselves into a place of poor decisions.
Jarmel Calvin (22:38):
We certainly, you said "justify," - I certainly believe that we do try to justify...because it's funny; I knew that these actions were wrong, but I would always circle back to trying to justify it. Like, well you remember that this female wasn't loyal. So none of them are loyal.
Nicholas (23:04): Mmm. Okay.
Jarmel Calvin (23:04):
And you remember from the second example that she wasn't loyal. So again, these females aren't loyal. So I began to use those two examples, and determined that every female fell up under that - which is the thing from the truth. And it's funny that, like I said, it in me from those two that, when I began to meet that were really high had a lot to offer - you know, of polite, - that I still would
those two and I a lot of good with some good females, you know.
Nicholas (24:01):
Yeah, folks, I've done that. I don't even think that's exclusive to just men. I think as we grow, especially
in terms of romance and finding your life partner, you have to make certain mistakes...
Jarmel Calvin (24:25): You do.
Nicholas (24:25):
...before you can get it, right? And I think you can really, like, seriously be blind to some of your behaviors. You know, you just don't know that it doesn't work in a relationship until somebody tells you. Because like - especially as an adult - you've been living a lot of your life independently. You know, at home when you're a kid, you were protected and you were shielded from some things, and you kind of deferred to the wisdom of your elders, like your parents, your grandparents and teachers and so on. And then when you got out on your own and it was like, "Okay, let me learn and interpret life for myself," and you build this rhythm, right?
Jarmel Calvin (25:07): Yep.
Nicholas (25:07):
You come out and you start - you get an apartment, or you have a roommate, even, and then you start
to just...
Nicholas (25:13):
How do I want to say? Just kind of ornament your life with the things you like and the people you like.
Jarmel Calvin (25:20): Yeah, certainly.
Nicholas (25:21):
Then, when you have to add somebody to that, it's hard to break away from some of the things that are ingrained now; and you're just so selfish. I think at that point, just by that when you bring
else in and you have to compromise...what that looks like is so
so different. You know, you can date one person, and they come into your life and they
don't want to change anything. Then somebody else comes in, and it's like they're disrupting everything. And you're like, "No, I'm not down with that either."
Nicholas (25:53):
And then some are kind of in the middle. And then emotionally, where people are and what they've been through - trauma - some women and men are really insecure. And when you get on your phone, you know, they just assume you're cheating.
Jarmel Calvin (26:06): Yep.
Nicholas (26:06):
They ask me, "When are you coming home," and you know, "You've deviated from your routine. I don't
like that." And then you start to - you start to reach for what you know, right? That's what we do.
Jarmel Calvin (26:17): Yep! Exactly.
Nicholas (26:17):
We reach for what we know...and we think about our independence - or the times people spurned us - and then we get into this mode of like, "I'm just gonna ghost you now," "I'm just...I'm done with you now." I'm going to cheat and [then] stay it's I might be
as well, but emotionally I've
Jarmel Calvin (26:35):
Yeah. And sometimes we'll go through experiences like that, [and] we can start creating stories in our minds, and in situations that aren't even playing out. Like it's crazy how the mind works. You really can - you really can talk yourself into believing things that aren't even necessarily true, just off things you've experienced in the past.
Nicholas (27:00):
Yeah, there's a woman that my mentor introduced me to. My mentor, Charles, introduced me to a woman named Byron Katie, and she has an app called The Work. It's a great app called The Work, [and] I encourage you to download it. I don't get anything from it. It's just, you know, free flowing. I just happened to think of it. But one of the questions, one of the things she says in it is - you write down something that's happened or something that you're thinking, and then you ask yourself, "Is this true?" And then after you answer, like, yes or no, then the next question is, "Can you prove definitively that that is true?"
New Speaker (27:42):
So you're like, "Oh, this person doesn't like me." Is this true? And you're like, "Yes, I certainly believe this is true." And then you say, "Can I prove that 100%, that they don't like me? And then there's your
Cause you're like, "Well, I don't know a that they don't like me." And all of a you have to bring into play everything else that it could be - this person was having a bad day, or
irritable bowel syndrome or something. And then all of a sudden because - we've done that, you know - things where you met someone and that first impression didn't go well, or something's been happening. And then you swore that this person hated you, didn't want your business, and then you got to know him a little bit better and you or him were like, "I always liked you," or, "You know, you've grown on me." And then you've been, like, holding this image - like the story in your mind -that's been helping you make other decisions that wasn't real.
Jarmel Calvin (28:39):
Yes. And those types of actions can definitely hinder you from progressing, or get into a place...
Jarmel Calvin (28:48):
It can hinder you from getting to the next step, or a place that you truly desire to be.
Nicholas (28:54):
Absolutely. I mean, speaking of that, like, getting to where you desire to be, how did you go from being not-so-nice with the women that you were choosing in your life, to being more mature and rational and...
Jarmel Calvin (29:16):
...more thoughtful, and yeah...
Nicholas (29:16):
So we had a brief interruption, but we are back. What we said last was, you know, just how did he go from being - you know, when we were off camera or off the mic - he said going from being a dog to a gentleman and a faithful dude. So, again, go ahead and articulate for us how that happened.
Jarmel Calvin (29:54):
Yeah. So, you know, I was pretty much just talking about how [I was] living a life where - I was just making sure that I was satisfied, not really caring about how the female felt, or if my actions were, disrespectful or harmful... just looking out for self. And I had made up in my mind, you know, I told you I wasn't going to be in any relationship; and I, for some years, throughout a lot of my twenties, I stuck by that mantra. So I guess like, late twenties, maybe 28, I started feeling this female and things just really started progressing. And one thing led to another. Before you know it, we were in a relationship with each other. And it was like rebellion the whole time in this relationship, because it was, like I said, ingrained in me to act a certain way.
Nicholas (31:02): Okay.
Jarmel Calvin (31:03):
Once I found a female that I really liked, and that was, you know, a good quality female, it was hard for me just to reverse years of acting this way. And you know, from time, I would be advised by like the women in my family, my sister - you know, "You can't act this way in a relationship."
Jarmel Calvin (31:30):
But I wasn't seeing - I wasn't giving myself, like, a reality check. I wasn't seeing any harm in the things I was doing. For some reason, I felt that the way I had been acting was totally to act in a relationship. I didn't cheat or anything, but just looking out for self...only thinking about myself...nothing about [the] repercussions of my actions. I definitely was following that same hand. And, you know, we were saying during break, you know, a lot of times you have to lose something good, in order to change your course of action or go into a place where you really sit down with yourself...and ask myself, "Am I the problem? Am I the person that led things to this point?
Jarmel Calvin (32:31):
And you know what I found? I remember one day, I went to my sister about the relationship because, the relationship, it was just taking, like, a nose dive for the worst. And I went to my sister and I wanted to point blame at the female. And my sister, like, quickly cut me off - like quickly cut me off.
New Speaker (32:56): Yeah.
New Speaker (32:58):
And she spelled out all of these things that I had done - all of these incidents that had taken place. Because her and my girlfriend were friends at the time. She spelled out all of these things that I had done during the relationship, that led up to this point, and why the relationship pretty much crumbled. And it was very hard for me to - it was like the coffee. Like, that reality was just in your face. And a lot of you know - what I from that is: you have to be able to be real with yourself and check It's hard for to - how can I say it? It's hard for people to say, "I'm the reason this didn't work and I need to But it's necessary. Once you can do that, I think you've reached a level of maturity that wasn't in you before. And once I was able to sit down and really think about what took place in some of the things that I had said, or [at] some of the ways that I acted, I realized that I didn't have to use experiences from the past...and how I went about my relationship, you know, being unappreciative - not appreciating a lot of good things that were going on; treating it as if treating it was just whatever. It made me realize that, I didn't have to be like that. It made me realize that there are out there who will care about you, and you have to see that for what it is. Like, isn't out to harm you or be manipulative. There are people that, when you give good, you'll be good.
Nicholas (35:20): Yeah.
Jarmel Calvin (35:21):
And that's just what I saw. And you know, I told myself that the next relationship - the next female I meet - I will embrace it and will be appreciative of it. And I think I - I know, I was just for years...I ran from being vulnerable.
Nicholas (35:52):
Oh, that's - you said a word there. Vulnerability.
Jarmel Calvin (35:56):
You know, in a relationship you have to be willing to open yourself up. You have to take a risk.
Nicholas (36:04): Yeah.
Jarmel Calvin (36:06):
when you go into being attracted to someone and telling yourself, "I want to see where this is going to go," it's taking a huge risk. You don't know what's going to come of it. You have to let your guard down. And I think like when I was in high school, and early in college, when I did have my guard let down, I feel like I just got smacked in the face. So, you know, I told myself I'm not going to let this happen again. I will keep my guard up and I will just run my game.
Nicholas (36:41):
So, this vulnerability and the risk involved with, uh, dating - which again, affects men and women equally, I think, how do you embrace the risk? You know that it's going to be trying at some point, and that you're going to have to eventually give some part of yourself to this thing, and they're probably expecting, you know, something from your core - you know, something meaningful and significant - how do you prepare your mind and your body to just throw yourself into that? Because that's scary.
Jarmel Calvin (37:26):
I think the key thing for me is thinking positive. Because, you know, we hear a lot of times - and it
sounds cliche - the mind leads the body.
Nicholas (37:43): Okay.
Jarmel Calvin (37:44):
So if you're thinking negative, you're going to start speaking negative, right? And you're going to start acting negative.
Nicholas (37:52):
The law of attraction.
Jarmel Calvin (37:53):
Yeah. But if you have like, "This is good," "This will work out," it's going to be something that'll be If you plant that seed in your mind, then you'll start saying it, and then you'll start taking action that will make it and make it something that's successful. So I think it starts with just having that thought of things out and things being and just being the best that you can be. From time, doing a with and sitting down with your and communicating. And I think doing things like that can really have a on a
Nicholas (38:45):
Do you ever - yeah, that was good. I really liked that.
Nicholas (38:48):
Do you ever feel like maybe, you know - because I want to go back to this vulnerability, and you know we're just two guys here talking...
Jarmel Calvin (38:56):
Yeah, sure.
Nicholas (38:58):
Do you ever feel like being a man, and all that comes with that, in terms of this society here - you know, because I've lived all over the world and [I've] seen all these different cultures that allow men to be more open emotionally,, to dress in ways - you know, maybe in their culture where that's quite normal..you know, like where men in Spain are wearing capris and things like that, or shorts or Speedos, like thong underwear.
Jarmel Calvin (39:30): Sure.
Nicholas (39:31):
Where here, you know, that would kind of suggest a different message to American culture and men, in general - I'm not speaking for everybody. But here I think there's this idea that men have to be stoic and strong, and they, they keep their emotions controlled. They don't have fits of anger; they're [expected to be] just very calm, cool, and collected under fire. Yeah. And from my stance, I think that kind of - I won't say it pigeonholes guys - but that's a lot of pressure, to have to always manage your emotions, right? I think on the other side, women have this freedom to kind of be whatever emotionally. You know, if she wants to fly off the handle and, flatten your tire with a knife, you know, I think she can kind of say,
"Well, I'm a girl, you know how we are."
Jarmel Calvin (40:32): Yeah.
Nicholas (40:33):
And if she wants to play that another way and not do that, it's a sign of like maturity, of course. Like of course women, "We mature faster than boys. Of course I would never do that." And I don't know if there's ever really a space where guys could just go do something brash like that - like kick somebody's door in or bust a window...
Jarmel Calvin (40:51):
And not be ridiculed for it.
Nicholas (40:52):
And call it crazy, psychotic, a stalker, creeper, insane. And again, to bring it back home, I think me growing up, you know - and again, asking that girl out and putting myself out there, you know, we had this "Manage your emotions, be brave, go up there...," and your worth is kind of intertwined with the result that's going to play out.
Jarmel Calvin (41:21): Yep.
Nicholas (41:21):
Because men have that pressure to, to kind of produce things.
Jarmel Calvin (41:25): For sure.
Nicholas (41:26):
And so what's your angle on that, in terms of just what it's like to be a guy in a relationship, [and] having to just manage yourself - as a man - and also your emotions, in terms of what society or she might expect from you?
Jarmel Calvin (41:47):
And that's a really - that was real thought provoking. My take on that is, you know, is from my experience. I feel like a man should express himself, and I feel like it should be done within a mature context. You know, like keeping yourself, you know...think about it. Take a deep breath because you don't - I believe you don't want to fly off the handle. But just sitting down and thinking about how you can - because I believe you can communicate effectively without stepping on any toes.
Nicholas (42:43): Sure.
Jarmel Calvin (42:45):
And still say what you want to say. I just don't subscribe to a man just holding it all in, dawg. Like, you know, "Just let it go, bro. Just take it on the chin." I don't believe you have to just get all irate and fly off the handle, but if it's something on your mind, on your heart, I do think it should be expressed. I think that's the only way a really knows how you feel.
Jarmel Calvin (43:16):
And certainly nothing wrong with, if it requires you - if it brings tears, you know, when you're talking about it with your other. I don't think that wrong with that. You know, I think people need to see the real you, and you being genuine. And someone who really cares, I think they'll appreciate that.
Nicholas (43:44):
Do you think it has an adverse look on - I hold the bunny ears up here - on your manhood. For example, if a man cries, there's some who might question his manhood or his masculinity. If he says, "I don't cut grass," "Baby, I'm not going to wash your car." Or maybe, you know, "I'm afraid to kill that spider," or whatever it is going to be...
Nicholas (44:15):
I've heard some women say, "You're not a real man," or "That's not very manly". And again, I don't want
to make this a battle of the sexes.
Jarmel Calvin (44:30): Sure.
Nicholas (44:31):
It's just a matter - we were just talking about men here - and again, in this relationship where you had to mature, as a guy. And we'll never completely understand what it's like, that maturation process for women, and all the things that they might encounter in the dating world, right?
Nicholas (45:00):
Alright, guys. That was the last interruption, I promise. I can't promise that, but I I think where I was going was - I didn't want to make it a battle of the sexes, but I do think I want to get to the root of it. And what I'm really trying to ask here, or get across, is how can men and women communicate in ways that don't harm each other emotionally, or just in terms of self actual actualization - like who you could be, you know, and how they don't infringe on that - where a man is trying...[and] who he's trying to become...and kind of what society asks from him. And I think that's also true for women. Because I think society is asking things from women also - to be nurturing and to bear the children and conduct themselves with a certain degree of poise, and things like that...and [to] be supportive. And you know, obviously every woman's character and their nature may not be that. I mean, there are women who don't have children, or don't want - or don't have them by choice.
Nicholas (46:18):
And there are men out here who are also very different, where they don't necessarily want to live up to the ideals and the standards that society has set for men. You know, there are some men who don't know how to fix cars, and things of that nature. But, you know, I think when we look at each other that way the lens of your sex and those I think what happens is you go out and you ask on a date, and they say no, but of how you were raised, now it feels personal. And that natural reaction is to [say], "I'm going to get even," and "Now, I'm going to do you dirty and someone else [too]." You know, this woman, she might've grown up in a household where that was how men And we never know; that may have come from the same place. Or, you know, dad didn't give love and and help him or her, in that as well. And you got the cycle of hurt, you know, the cycle of and how...how do we that? Because again, you made that transition by facing right?
Nicholas (47:39):
Is it as simple as that? You know, like, what is it like to sit in your filth, so to speak?
Jarmel Calvin (47:51): Wow.
Jarmel Calvin (47:52):
For me it was depressing, but - it was very depressing, like, very, very depressing; like a sunken place. But just realizing like, when you hit a low, when you hit a bottom, what should happen is, you know, you tell yourself, I don't want to experience this again. I know that's what happened for me. I don't want to experience this again. In fact, I refuse to experience this again. I refuse to have myself be my demise. And so I just took it as a lesson learned, like a painful lesson to learn and just decided to move forward in a better way, you know?
Jarmel Calvin (48:50): Yeah.
Nicholas (48:52):
That sense of...I guess, what I'm hearing there is accountability...
Jarmel Calvin (48:57): Sure.
Nicholas (48:57): To yourself.
Jarmel Calvin (49:00): Certainly. Certainly.
Nicholas (49:00):
I think sometimes we know what that's like, when you are - what do they say - when you're your own worst enemy.
Jarmel Calvin (49:08): Mmhmm.
Nicholas (49:08):
And you lose things in this life. That's what life is. you pick up some things, you gain some stuff, and you also lose some things that can be pretty I know what that's like - to lose stuff that means to know that it was mostly of something that may have been [And that is] for me one of the parts. It's like, I could have been a better boyfriend. You know, I could have listened better. I could have done some more romantic things. I could have taken care of some things around the house...
Jarmel Calvin (49:47): Mmhmm.
Nicholas (49:47):
...or helped out with some stuff, but I was so doggone selfish. And I didn't necessarily see it as that.
Jarmel Calvin (49:57): Yeah.
Nicholas (49:57):
And I think modeling - seeing that modeled for you - is crucial. You know what I mean? Having someone there. And I think that's why those TV like, for me up, were so impactful. You know, when you had the Cosby show on, and you had the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...
Jarmel Calvin (50:16):
Family matters. Things like that. Yeah.
Nicholas (50:18):
You always had these strong black, male role models, as well, in those, you know. But I still think there's a difference between that and what you see in real life, modeled around you every day...because you're not watching that TV show 24-7.
Nicholas (50:38):
Exactly. You know, but you are with your life at all times. And that sense of here's what this looks like in real life and here's how this person responds, [and] here's what this feels like. I think when you're observing that - I just don't know if there's anything more important than that, and I know for some people that the hard part was that they didn't have that. Some people, they just never had a really good example of a perfect marriage or relationship.
Nicholas (51:17):
You know, they just never - or they seldom - saw that in a healthy way. Right? Or it just may always been toxic. And because it lasted - you know, and they stayed together forever - somewhere in their mind [they] said that it works.
Jarmel Calvin (51:33): Right.
Nicholas (51:34):
And now, as you get older - obviously - I know tons of people who are married and they're just living together. Like, the love is gone, but it's just easier to stay.
Jarmel Calvin (51:45):
Yep.
Nicholas (51:47):
And I just wonder how much of this stuff, you know, goes into that, you know - somebody spurned as a kid, and they like, "Oh, you're ugly." "Oh, I wrote hell no in a note." And [then] carried that to, like, when you're 30, 40, 50 years old - even to your death bed. Or you were cheated on twice and now everybody is the villain, and you know, there's no more fidelity out here. They used the last of it up. But yeah, I think those things are worth exploring. And like you said, I think you gotta look at yourself and in very clear - well, you gotta seek clarity. Like, kind of cut through the noise. And that's like my phrase, especially on my website. Like, "cut through the noise and face your fears."
Jarmel Calvin (52:30): Mmhmm. Yep. Certainly.
Nicholas (52:30):
There's so much that I think just convolutes what's going on in our souls. Right? And we can't feel that
good energy, those high vibrations.
Jarmel Calvin (52:40):
Certainly.
Nicholas (52:40): We're stuck.
Nicholas (52:46):
I think we're at a good point.
Jarmel Calvin (52:47):
I think we are. I think we are.
Nicholas (52:49):
This conversation is, has run a lot longer [than] we had anticipated.
Jarmel Calvin (52:54):
Opened my mind up to a lot of new ideas, and I was glad I could hear a story - never knew that about you. And I think I have insight now, as to why you're so competitive, just from you telling me the story from your childhood. It seemed like you were somewhat competitive then, and you certainly continue to be competitive now. And that's certainly a good thing, you know - need some competition. That keeps us motivated - to keep oneself motivated to keep achieving. Yeah. Certainly.
Nicholas (53:28):
I mean, as we get older, I mean, what isn't competition? You know, even in your catering space you have competitors. There are people - you're not the only person who's cooking, you know what I mean, and vying for these different contracts.
Jarmel Calvin (53:47): Exactly.
Nicholas (53:48):
So, I do agree though, that stories help connect people. And that's the aim of this podcast - is to share stories and get to know people a little bit better, see where they're coming from, and those similarities that we might share; and how we can build on those to create new thoughts and new pathways - new paradigms.
Nicholas (54:14):
But yeah, I thank you for being here. I know you drove down the road a piece, to be here with us.
Jarmel Calvin (54:21):
It's all good. It's all love. I appreciate the opportunity. You know, you hit me up asking me would I come through, and to speak to the mic, man. I certainly appreciate it. You know, and just letting your audience just hear my story. I hope people can take something away from it. Maybe I can help a young lady or a young gentleman out there who maybe, you know, [who is] dealing with a similar situation now and wrestling in their mind [with] how they need to handle it. Just hoping that I can provide some type of clarity, in the moment. Yeah.
Nicholas (55:02):
And I think you definitely did that. I mean, just like you said you learned from me, I learned from you and your stories. And so, um, yeah, that's, that's what the spirit of this is, you know, all about improvement, loving yourself, loving others. And thanks again for sticking with us through episode two and a couple of interruptions. come back and see us for episode three! Alright, later, guys!
New Speaker (55:24): Peace out.